A lovely garden requires work, even if it’s only keeping constant growth in check. My soul garden is framed by many hedges and plenty of bird-loving ivory that need annual trimming to prevent a jungle. Trouble is – I’m not my strong young self anymore. I used to shift heavy objects and wield electric tools on high ladders. My ardent spirit still feels up to such tasks, but these days I’d be foolish not to accept the limits of my body, which I call ‘ little palace’ and give thanks to every day.
I berate myself, ‘stop acting like super woman,’ … easier said than done.
Other skills are needed, like how to find trustworthy helpers with intelligence and imagination, who respect a vulnerable person’s need? I employ a reliable trades team for the once a year hedge cutting, but finding someone for the occasional help is a challenge.
I asked my local council once, if they can recommend a person to do the occasional gardening. They sent me an octogenarian, wobbling precariously on a high ladder, with his 12 year old nephew to help. They did a terrible job at a price way above any professional landscape firm.
Opportunists are plenty, though my local repair café, staffed by volunteers, proves to me there are generous people out there, with amazing skills, offering to fix things. I dearly bless them.
Finding genuine help is something that concerns many of us, at one time or another, women and men. The world is not geared for the redundant, or the in any way disadvantaged.
Just wondering, dear reader, if you rely on support for strenuous manual jobs, if you’re not swimming in money, how do you deal with getting practical help?
Inspired and taken from ‘The Mind World’ – Volume Four of Hazrat Inayat Khan’s lectures.
The heart, in Sufi terms, functions as a mirror – and more …
Whatever is reflected in the heart does not only remain a reflection but becomes a creative power productive of the phenomena of a similar nature.
So, for example, a heart that is holding in itself and reflecting the rose will find roses everywhere. Roses will be attracted to the heart and roses will be produced from it and for it.
As this reflection deepens and becomes stronger it becomes creative of the phenomenon of roses and the symbolic qualities we associate with roses.
Equally, the heart that holds and reflects wounds will find wounds everywhere. It will attract wounds and it will create wounds; for that is the phenomenon of reflection.
There are examples to be found in the world of people who by retaining a thought have created on the physical plane its manifestation, its phenomenon.
The reason is – that the phenomenon is not only an image as produced in the mirror – but that reflection in the heart is the most powerful thing.
It is life itself – and it is creative.
If the heart is calm enough to receive reflections fully and clearly, one can choose for oneself which reflection to retain and which to repel.
☼ ☼ ☼
A calm heart is of course a rare event, especially in the turbulent and rushed environment most of us live in, or fight for existence. We may however remember such moments of grace. And to appreciate the process of reflection as a psychic law can explain many mysteries.
My two quest novels, ‘Course of Mirrors,’ and its sequel, ‘Shapers,’ (found on my book page,) are inspired by the phenomenon of reflection.
The image is of an enlarger, used to project, copy, or enlarge negative film images onto chemically sensitive paper, by moving the lens box up or down to achieve a variety of sizes, or to place filmstrips directly on the paper and press them down with a glass plate for contact sheets. The timed, light exposed paper is developed slowly in a chemical bath, and then fixed in another bath to stop the developing process. Next, the print is watered for a while and then dried on a hot press. Depending on the quality of the negative, it’s a delicate art to achieve the optimal gradation of light and shadow in a final print. The process happens in a darkroom with only a red light.
Much was destroyed during the Second World War, and my parents started out with nothing but their skills. My mother had trained as photographer at the Berlin Lette House (Academy,) where women were encouraged to acquire academic and industrial skills. My father, apart from being a talented artist, for whom there was no call, trained and worked as a fine mechanic. Together they moved south and started a photographic business. The enlarger in the image was built by my father during the early 1950 s.
I was not interested in the business (another story,) but eventually studied photography, and this enlarger served me through a decade of self-employment, based in Munich, including still photography for projects by directors of the then German New Wave Cinema. I could have continued working in the film scene, but instead became a hippy, a seeker, a psychotherapist, and a writer, in that order.
Five years ago I donated the enlarger to a local art college. They were very pleased. I’m still mourning.
Having been a big part of my life, I thought of posting something about my experience with analogue photography here, but was fretting because it’s a deeply emotional subject, for another day. So this post did not turn out as intended.
There are glimpses worth sharing. To explore and understand the shift from analogue to digital systems, I wrote an article about Human Identity in the Digital age: ‘Body Electric.’ You can read it as PDF, and find the link on the ‘Other’ page here. It is 20 pages plus notes and bibliography, but after all these years, I still think it is definitely worth reading.
A great book on photography and surrealism, L’Amour Fou, carries a quote by Roger Callois, which shines a light on the fading idea of an original:
‘It is with represented space that the drama becomes clear; for the living being, the organism, is no longer the origin of the coordinates, but is one point among others;; it is dispossessed of its privilege and, in the strongest sense of the term, no longer knows where to put itself.’
The analogue process provided rich metaphors to live by, while the oracular quality of the digital system has fragmented many assumptions and values we hold about human nature and reality. Thing is, I don’t think we have caught up yet. We are all a bit lost in space and time – which has become a theme of my two novels, (see my Books page.)
Yesterday I had a surreal dream, all about us, and others, being developed (in our mind) through our ongoing experience. In the process, it can happen that we, and others, become fixed into static existence through our attitude, and our need for permanence and certainty.
Being born, we bring along a smile, which, when being mirrored over time, becomes the signature of our face. Not the cheery or cheesy smile, but the unique one, always remembered by those who know us well. Why? Because something is loosened up in the face … a happy heartbeat sneaks into an authentic smile and, if only for a fleeting instant, a glimpse of heaven is revealed. Mostly, the magic lies in the spontaneity of the smile, and its short duration.
Actors in movies convey touching smiles, at times. Meryl Streep comes to mind. In a photograph or painting this can happen, though less often. There are of course many exceptions, the most famous being Leonardo da Vinci’s enigmatic portrait of Mona Lisa. Her smile seems slowed down in time and keeps resonating with one’s own internal smile … and both linger on. Apart from Da Vinci’s excellent study and understanding of anatomy, and his accomplished painting techniques, the reason why Mona Lisa’s mysterious smile seems eternally fresh, may also have been due to the deep rapport between model and painter. And, interestingly, Sigmund Freud theorized that Leonardo imparted an approving smile from his mother, Caterina, onto the Mona Lisa and other works.
Each smile tells a story, open to interpretation – the smile of intimacy, friendship, reconciliation, condolence, seduction, pity, revenge, conspiracy, the haughty ‘I told you so,’ or simply bliss. It is a long list.
Can one’s authentic smile fade? Can trauma, sadness, or despair about humanity impact the signature of one’s face? Maybe, though I think even if you’re disillusioned with life, lose your teeth, or have ill-fitting dentures that change the physiognomy of your jaw and cheeks, the essence of your smile remains somehow. Maybe in the eyes, or sometimes, irrespective of a facial expression, a person radiates a peaceful atmosphere, a loving presence, which Hazrat Inayat Khan called ‘the smiling forehead.’
Doubt is generally considered a weakness, but it can also be strength, and a function of renewal.
We seek approval. We like to belong with people/groups that resonate with our ideals. We are trying to order the puzzles of our experiences into some coherence that guides our purpose and actions, and gives our life meaning. And who does not cherish the moments when all feels perfect? Yet only traces of perfection live on in the heart, because life moves on.
An invocation by Hazrat Inayat Khan used to intrigue and troubled me …
‘Towards the One
The perfection of Love, Harmony and Beauty
The Only Being
United with all the illuminated souls
Who form … the Spirit of Guidance …’
Perfection is not of this world, I told myself. And yet, the above invocation gains power in the context of how Hazrat Inayat Khan defines ideals:
‘The ideal is the means – its breaking is the goal.’
His grandson, Fazal Inayat-Khan, put it in another way:
‘With faith one attains and realises peace and harmony.
With doubt one destroys and gains freedom to move ontowards.’
It could be a safe space we aspire to, since once expelled from the warm womb, we struggle to find a similar space in this world. Whatever else we aspire to, it takes discipline, consistency, and perseverance to work towards one’s ideal.
Through discipline we acquire a basic understanding of things. In spiritual terms, this is also the challenge of the Buddhist Hinayana and Mahayana practices.
But what if we have proudly gained a level of certainty, be it about our achievements, identity, position, faith? And what if we cling to that certainty – at all costs – numbing the chattering of our minds? How do we escape a stagnant reality, the prison of certainty?
Chögyam Trungpa, in his lectures on Tantric Wisdom says doubt is ignored on the path of discipline, but during a further stage, Vashrajana (Crazy Wisdom,) confusion, and creepy questions about our truth are legitimised, and offer enormous potential. Allowing doubt – and including that doubt is part of our progress.
In a book of gathered lectures, ‘Journey Without Goal,’ Trungpa points to a fearless attitude.
My former Sufi teacher and friend, Fazal Inayat-Khan, operated in the realm of Crazy Wisdom. Some of his students understood where he was coming from, while others were super annoyed. I’m still inspired by Crazy Wisdom, but having lost my Sufi friend, I lack the courage to travel this goal-less path alone.
Teachers of that kind, who live life with fearless intensity, move on as soon as their purpose is done, they never grow old.
The theme of Crazy Wisdom, in the sense of stepping into the unknown, is challenging my imagination now in the third book, ‘Mesa,’ I’m writing in the Odyssey of Course of Mirrors. It’s about Mesa’s return to her future perfect world, where time has come to a near standstill. Against all logic, but understanding the truth in her heart, she is tasked to bring back history, and friction, as a cure.
Photo: The image was taken by son, Yeshen Venema, during a visit to Vietnam. I added the clouds 🙂
The above image is me at the Jewish Museum in Berlin.
I hesitated, but must share this old poem …
The pendulum was lost,
A pivot gone,
No point of trust,
No sense of home.
Aged ten, I looked down
At my hands for signs of crime;
We were shown into the dock
Of men’s trial in monochrome.
Not Schindler’s feat,
Then aged ten,
We watched mute scenes,
Laced with rage
In a teacher’s voice,
That tied our dreams
Fixed our eyes –
“We are all to blame
For this,” – her stick
Tapped the screen.
Its slim shadow flits across
The mass of corpses,
The mass of spectacles,
Neat mounds of objects,
Equal in size,
Edited side by side.
“The smell of burning –
Will haunt you,” she said.
I held my breath to the scent
Of her perfume in the room.
In the concave lens of time,
A distillation lodged –
The fluid image of a scream
That has no sound.
I don’t know if it was German educational policy in the 1950s to introduce Holocaust images to primary school children, or whether it was the mission of an enraged teacher. Well, it happened. I was traumatised and cried many nights. The scenes went under my skin, into my muscles, and got stuck there. I asked myself, what right did I have, as a distant, generation removed witness, what right did I have to be traumatised?
Questioning my parents, I realised they, too, had been traumatised, once the full truths about the Holocaust emerged.
I urgently wanted to understand how insane ideologies could become political weapons, and result in inhuman atrocities to happen right in front of the world.
Recently I read a novel, ‘Alone in Berlin,’ by Hans Fallada, which took many decades to be translated. In a very mundane setting it shows how tyranny invokes not just hatred, but fear, intense fear for your life, and more, fear for the life of you family and friends.
My heart received healing through meeting some exceptional Jewish and Muslim people, who became friends for life (that’s for another post,) and, some years ago, through an unexpected encounter.
A friend of mine brought an old friend of hers to my home, Rosemary Harris, a children book author, and a daughter of Bomber Harris. She shared memories of her father … and how torn she felt imagining her father in his plane, carpet-bombing German cities, ever after Germany’s defeat.
We sobbed around the table.
The present Middle Eastern conflict re-invoked a storm in my heart. This ongoing pattern of – an eye for an eye – makes collective humanity blind to the utter futility of revenge.
Killing a paralyzed people for their tyrannical regime, as it happens now in Gaza, is bound to sows more seeds of sorrow and anger for generations to come.
The challenge, humanity must raise above the ricocheting round of the psychological drama triangle of victim, persecutor and rescuer.
I had several themes in mind to write about, but a vivid dream last night brought life to 2 special friends in my heart.
Hope and Franz were our farming neighbours in Somerset, in a hamlet where our little one was born in a 17th century cottage we rented. This hamlet had only five properties. We arrived insisting on a home birth for our son. Sensational, I still marvel how we made it happen, arguing that home births were very normal in Holland 🙂 Well it happened, in mid winter. Through frozen roads, the police brought in the midwife, Sister Heney, to help us with, by then, a rare home delivery, before her retirement. She called him her sow-baby and sent him birthday cards until she died.
Our little one had five exceptional years of country life, and everyone in the hamlet adored him. Hope and Franz were most loving, and special.
Franz had arrived on the farm as German prisoner of war. Hope fell in love with him. How could she not 🙂
For some reason they could not have children, so they became second parents to our son. Hope used to have dreams about Tibet, a culture I feel strongly connected to. Her dream was to become a journalist, impossible given her responsibilities and circumstances, yet she had an incredibly inquisitive mind.
Life is a labyrinth. Things happen that have no explanation other than grace.
I remember Hope and Franz fondly, and so does my son.
In Haruki Murakami’s novel, ‘Killing Commendatore,’ an artist is on the run from himself after his wife told him she does not want to live with him anymore. Not having had success with abstract paintings, he settled for painting portraits on commission for a living. His clients were not required to sit still for hours, days and weeks on end, just a confessional interview, supplemented by a few family snapshots would do. To maintain the integrity of his work, the artist looked for what was shining from within a person.
While driving aimlessly north, to gain distance from imagined scenes of his wife in the arms of a lover, he occasionally stops at roadside restaurants. In a restroom he finds himself staring at his image in a mirror, and wonders …
‘Who the hell am I … were I to paint myself, would I be able to discover even one thing shining within me?’
This is not a review; I haven’t got far into this long novel, just to say, I like how Murakami masters the slow and subtle development of a theme.
I read in printed books in bed for an hour before sleep. At pivotal points in the text, like the one above, I close the book and take the thought into my dreams. Once I hit the cushion and allow my muscles to relax, my mind holds the thought that made me stop reading.
As for the above thought: what shines from within, I pondered that this shine, or whatever else one might choose to call it, is what I’m looking for in nature, in art, in friends, or new acquaintances, and in myself. These moments when I glimpse something shining, visibly or just felt, without or within, are of essence, and leave a deep impression, adding a thread of light to the tapestry of my existence. These are also moments when associations, informed by my senses, flow like a sparkling mountain stream.
When such impression fades it upsets me. Distance and time are not at fault. My intuition tells me that the conscious fabric of my existence extends way beyond space-and time. Where people are concerned, the fading could be due to a lingering hurt or misunderstanding. Once I’ve been able to perceive an inner shining, I grieve the loss of a dimming connection.
It made me think how in relation to a few people in my life I’ve let my heart mirror collect dust. Maybe the other begun to let my shine fade, but that’s no excuse. I can’t change how people mirror me, but if so inclined, I could bring clarity to my own heart mirror.
How do we resurrect that shine, the light which illuminates who we are from under the debris of relationships, within ourselves, others, nature? I guess much flows from the first gaze that beholds us.
In Sufi terms this is polishing the mirror of the heart, which generates life and beauty.
You, dear readers, may have more or other thoughts on this search for what ‘shines’ from under surfaces If so, please share.
It warms my heart to think that readers of my novels might come upon a sentence that makes them pause and ponder a meaning for themselves, a bit like finding a jewel in a generous setting.
I was always drawn to subtle light, not the blinding bright one, but the humble light that searches and elevates hidden beauty in the shade … the stray beam on a patch of peeling paint, a spark of sun in a puddle, the amazing transformations of shapes and colours created by a tiny shift of its direction. I love how light sculpts the garden through morning mist, how it paints cloud landscapes, how it slips through the frame of a window, teases the shadowy folds of a gauze curtain, or how it honours leaves by flooding through the gaps to jewel the ground. When I took to squinting through the branches against the sky, I discovered their negative pattern – appearing like a distant universe.
Even as a toddler I’ve been mesmerised by the musical dance of light across the forest floor, any shifting shadows on surfaces, and, occasionally, I imagined strange new forms in a light and shadow show. This was not particularly encouraged by my parents, who thought my weird imagination was a bit over the top, too vivid. So obviously I shut up about these impressions, and any odd thoughts that crossed my mind..
Maybe my angel was annoyed that I wallowed in being lonely, but lacked the grace to acknowledge her being there, all the time. Anyway, she decided to introduce herself. The vision came while I was under deep anesthetic trance for a life-saving operation to remove a dysfunctional appendix.
I was around eight years old.
Waking up in in pristine white room, wrapped up in pristine white bedding, the first thing that flooded into my mind was the crystal clear memory of meeting my angel.
She invited me to follow her along a corridor; she was luminous, with translucent wings. She opened a door. While I was reviewing this instant in the pristine white room, I had a physical sensation or relief. She had opened a door.
The scene repeated itself in that there were many doors dividing the corridor, and one after another was opened with a soft nudge by my angel. She was basically telling me, ‘You don’t need keys; doors will open for you, if and when you want to, be it forward or backwards, future or past.’
The vision relieved the pressure of rejections; foremost felt from my father’s secretive psyche. My grandmother had warned my mother that her son was a closed cupboard. My angel suggested I had a choice as to what door I opened, and when. Opening a door backwards, I eventually I found that my dad’s cupboard protected a deeply sensitive romantic.
My next door is ahead, and it entails fully embracing the process of continuing with the writing of my third novel – ’Mesa’ – the most challenging project yet, especially since I’ve no idea where it will lead.
To come back to my angel … a spirit guide every individual has, though not necessarily perceived … it is a being (no matter what you call it) offering intimate rapport. In various cultures there are different terms for this guardian, be it angel, the Green One, understood as an ancient pagan spirit of the wild woods, or ‘Khidr’ in mystical Islam – appearing from nowhere when help and advice is needed, most often not the rational kind.
G. Jung says Khidr reveals not just the greenness of the chlorophyll within the leaves, not just the sunlight / water responsible for their nourishment and liveliness, and not just the (secondary) green ray of light that is refracted as the “middle-pillar” within the light spectrum, but also the (primary) undifferentiated light of a pure and altered consciousness. For Jung, Khidr resembles the inner self.
In that sense, one could say, Khidr helps us to adjust traditional maps to our present individual territory. When you think a little about it, you’ll probably recall the moments in your life, tiny as they may have been, when an angel being changed your life for the better, even when it required a disruption of your expectations. And think of the angels of dear friends who are on a wavelength with yours and support your best intentions.
Ideally, we find our kin over the years. My use of the imagination, distinct from fantasy, was often affirmed. Particularly the ‘The Creative Imagination’ Ibn ‘Arabi reveals as The Science of the Heart, influenced the writing of my novels (info. on my book page.) Meanwhile, you may like my short essay on the subject.
On occasional good days, mundane tasks, problem solving on the go, are like meditations, and how I begin, how I sequence, and how I end a task, has a fine rhythm to it.
Let’s say I prepare a meal, I go about it in the simplest, energy and time efficient way, via knacks acquired through practice. This applies to washing, cleaning, shopping, gardening, fixing things etc. …
What delights, is when I do a little thing different, like change the sequence of, or slow down the attention and attitude towards a task, and in the process discover symbolic correspondences. By symbolic I mean here the recognition of pattern similarities between different fields (contexts, scales, environments,) from being awed by how the geometries in nature resemble galaxies, to how the moon cycle affects plants in the same way as my mood. Creative minds are haunted by beauty and meaning. They may discover how their life’s myth is hidden in the narrative of a fairy tale, or, as suggested by Blake, see the world in a grain of sand …
Observing how I do myself, slightly distanced from the task at hand, can open novel perspectives. In the expanded space even a dream-image from the night before can revisit.
I can also project observing eyes on anything or anyone, including cats, dogs, foxes, birds, trees … let’s assume a fly – the fly that defies its instincts and does not go for the window or door, but insists on buzzing around my head, I could invest that fly with the function of spying on me and in the process craft an epic spy fly tale.
I’m easily sucked into stories, because fresh points of view sometimes bring on an AHA moment from the unconscious nowhere (suddenly now here.) I could call it a singularity, unfolding in my embodied being in time, and changing the way I operate my relationship with myself, others, and the world at large.
Imagination, playfulness, thinking out of the box and intuition bring joy to body and mind.
Imagination in German is – Einbildungskraft – the strength to make connections and build something in the sphere of one’s mind. For those who don’t make use of this human capacity, life may become reactive and stale. While hunger is a basic need, the desire for a variety of tastes is acquired.
We have our peculiarities in the ways we communicate between inside subjective reality and outside objective reality, the way we approach a problem, do things, see things, interpret events, and in the way we are influenced by the weather, our digestive system, or personal and collective moods. Each of us is unique in how we engage with the universal consciousness we are embedded in. Specialists with a narrow focus tend to make boring company, and will, I guess, soon be replaced by AI avatars, but well-rounded and irrational humans, aware of being present in their bodies and all the experience and memories held in their bodies, cannot be replicated.
At times I envisage copies of myself, to shake hands with, or relieve me of tasks I consider tedious … though these copies nest of course inside my psyche, assigned with different yet overlapping functions. Ideally I wish for this cluster of subs, let’s call them subpersonalities, to cooperate, and such synchronicities do occur on rare occasion. They are wondrous moments of being, infused with the deeper intelligence of universal consciousness.
Oh, and please buy, read and review my latest novel.
Course of Mirrors 